


Survey Says

by involuntaryorange



Category: Family Feud (TV), Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 06:11:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4776578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/involuntaryorange/pseuds/involuntaryorange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock, John, Mycroft, Lestrade, and Mrs. Hudson wind up competing as a team on Family Feud. Somehow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let's meet the contestants!

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the Fall Season TV Guide Sherlock project! I'll update on Fridays, and each "installment" (chapter) will be another round of the episode.
> 
> I have no idea where this fits in with respect to show canon -- I think it would be best described as canon-divergent after the second season. But take that with a grain of salt, because this is going to be very cracky.
> 
> Also, I'm writing it screenplay style, but I really have no clue how screenplays are written and formatted (I'm just using Scrivener's template), so please forgive me any inaccuracies.

_INT. TELEVISION STUDIO_

_Fiddle music plays._

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

It's Family Feud!

 

_Shot switches to a family — two men, three women — standing in a box decorated to look like a homey family room. The family is standing still, in order to resemble a photo portrait._

 

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Introducing our returning champion, the Pendleton family! Ready for action!

 

_The family leaps into motion, cheering and clapping. The audience applauds. The shot switches to another group of people — four men, one woman — in a similar box, chatting with one another distractedly._

 

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Playing against the challengers, the Holmes family!

 

_The people in the box look up, startled. The audience applauds._

 

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

On your marks, let's start the Family Feud! Here's the star of Family Feud, Ray Combs!

 

_Ray Combs walks out onto the stage to the continued cheers of the audience. He grins and waves; eventually the cheers wind down._

 

COMBS

Thank you! Thank you very much! 

(bows)

Hello to the Pendleton family, and welcome to the Holmes family!

(turns to audience)

Welcome to Family Feud. We have two great families ready to battle it out for the chance to win up to ten thousand dollars!

(pauses for applause)

Let's get started by welcoming the Pendleton family, our current champions!

 

_The audience cheers. The Pendletons shriek and jump up and down excitedly._

_Combs walks over to the Pendletons_.

 

COMBS

Now, Gary.

 

GARY

Hi, Ray!

 

COMBS

Last show, you just barely missed out on winning the ten thousand dollar prize.

 

_The audience "awwww"s._

 

GARY

That's right. But I have a good feeling about today!

 

COMBS

I do too, Gary. How about you introduce us to your family?

 

GARY

Sure! This is my wife, Linda —

 

_Linda waves._

 

GARY

My brother, Paul —

 

_Paul waves._

 

GARY

My mom, Louise —

 

_Louise waves._

 

GARY

And my mother-in-law, Barbara.

 

_Barbara squeals and jumps up and down._

 

COMBS

I can tell you're really happy to be here, Barbara.

 

BARBARA

I sure am, Ray!

 

COMBS

Well, we're happy you're here, too. And you might just go home with ten thousand dollars today! If you can defeat your challengers...

(turns and gestures)

...all the way from London, the Holmes family. Let's meet them!

 

_Combs walks to the other side of the stage while the audience applauds. The Holmes family looks nonplussed._

 

COMBS

(shaking Sherlock's hand)

So, Sherlock. That's an interesting name. My card here says you're a private investigator!

 

SHERLOCK

(rolls his eyes)

I'm a consulting detective. The only one in the world.

 

COMBS

Oh, my mistake.

(smirks at the audience)

Sherlock, why don't you tell me who's on your team.

 

SHERLOCK

I already told the producers.

 

_Combs looks to the audience in disbelief. The audience laughs._

 

COMBS

Well, how about you humor me.

 

SHERLOCK

(sighs deeply)

Fine. This is my friend, John Watson —

 

COMBS

Friend?

 

JOHN

Colleague.

 

SHERLOCK

(looks momentarily hurt, but continues)

My arch-nemesis, Mycroft —

 

JOHN

(preempting Combs's request for clarification)

His brother.

 

SHERLOCK

My landlady, Mrs. Hudson —

 

MRS. HUDSON

Though you'd think I was his housekeeper, with the way he goes through my tea!

 

_The audience laughs._

 

SHERLOCK

And Gavin Lestrade.

 

GAVIN

It's Greg!

 

SHERLOCK

Greg Lestrade.

 

COMBS

And how is Greg related to you?

 

SHERLOCK

When he's out of his depth, which is always, he comes to me for help.

 

GREG (GAVIN)

(sighs)

I'm a detective with Scotland Yard. 

(beat)

I'm also his brother-in-law.

 

_Greg smiles at Mycroft over Mrs. Hudson's head; Mycroft's face momentarily unfolds from its sneer but quickly returns to it. Someone in the audience hoots._

 

COMBS

(blinks)

All right then. Sherlock, you don't know your brother-in-law's first name?

 

SHERLOCK

It's never been relevant.

 

COMBS

Fair enough. Well, I have to say, you guys are one of the more interesting "families" we've had on the Feud! How'd you wind up here, coming all the way from London?

 

SHERLOCK

Mrs. Hudson made us come.

 

MRS. HUDSON

I used to live in Florida, you know. With my ex-husband. I had a lot of free time while he was running his drug cartel, and I just loved watching this show!

(conspiratorially)

You're much more handsome than that Richard Dawson!

 

COMBS

Well, thank you, Mrs. Hudson. I'm blushing. Although it sounds like I shouldn't get on the wrong side of your ex-husband!

 

MRS. HUDSON

Oh, don't worry, he's dead.

(affectionately)

Thanks to darling Sherlock!

 

_Sherlock nods his head in acknowledgment. Combs looks baffled._

 

COMBS

Definitely one of the more interesting families we've had on the show.

(shakes his head as though to clear it, turns to the audience)

Well. Someone's going to play for ten thousand dollars, but in order to do that, we've got to...

(pauses, turns to the board hung at the apex of the set)

...play The Feud!

 

_CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK_

 


	2. Round One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Name a sound that would make you call the police.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may at times diverge from the rules of the actual game somewhat. I suspect you don't care.
> 
> Also, all the questions I'll be using (save for the ones in the final round) are actual questions from late 1980s/early 1990s Family Feud episodes. In case you were wondering.

COMBS

Welcome back to the Family Feud!It's time for round one. Sherlock and Gary, get up here!

_Sherlock and Gary leave their respective families to approach the central podium. Gary sticks out his hand and Sherlock stares at it for a moment before shaking it. They each place one hand next to their buzzer and put the other one behind their back._

 

COMBS

Top five answers up on the board. We surveyed one hundred people and asked them to... name a sound that would make you call the police.

 

_Sherlock and Gary both go for the buzzer, but Gary is faster._

 

COMBS

Gary?

 

GARY

A window breaking!

 

COMBS

A window breaking. Okay, yeah, you hear a window break, you might call the cops. Let's see if it's up there -- let's see "breaking window"!

 

_A bell dings and "GLASS BREAKING - 21" appears on the board in slot 2. The audience applauds._

 

COMBS

Well done, Gary! That's the second most popular answer. Now, Sherlock, if you can guess the number one answer, the question will go to your team. So, Sherlock, name a sound that would make you call the police.

 

SHERLOCK

I wouldn't call the police. They're useless.

 

COMBS

You... That's not an answer.

 

SHERLOCK

It's my answer!

 

COMBS

It's going against the spirit of the question.

 

SHERLOCK

It's a stupid question.

 

COMBS

(becoming visibly frustrated)

Just name a sound.

 

SHERLOCK

(sighs deeply)

Fine.

(smirks)

A kitten stuck in a tree. That sounds like something the police might be able to handle.

 

COMBS

...Okay. That's a sound, at least.

(turns to the board)

Let's see... a kitten stuck in a tree!

 

_A buzzer sounds and a large red X appears on the screen. Sherlock scowls; Gary and the rest of the Pendletons cheer._

 

COMBS

Ohhh, sorry Sherlock, it's not on the board! So the question goes to the Pendletons!

 

_The audience applauds while Gary and Combs return to the Pendletons._

 

COMBS

All right, Linda.

 

LINDA

Hi Ray!

 

COMBS

Now I'm sure you live in a very lovely neighborhood.

 

LINDA

Oh, we do!

 

COMBS

A quiet neighborhood. So what's a sound that would make you call the police?

 

LINDA

A gunshot!

 

COMBS

A gunshot. That's definitely a sound that would make me call the police.

(turns to board)

Show me... gunshot!

 

_GUNSHOT - 48 appears on the board in slot 1. The Pendletons cheer._

 

COMBS

You got the number one answer, Linda! Good job.

(moves on to Paul)

Okay, Paul. So you're an accountant, right?

 

PAUL

I am.

 

COMBS

Call the police a lot in your line of work?

 

PAUL

(chuckles)

Not really.

 

COMBS

Well, name a sound that might make you call the police.

 

PAUL

Crying?

 

COMBS

Crying. Okay. You might be calling the police a lot.

(turns to the board)

Show me... crying!

 

_A buzzer sounds and a large red X appears on the screen. The audience "awww"s and the Pendletons comfort Paul, telling him it was a good answer._

 

COMBS

Ah, not on the board. On to Louise. Louise, you're Gary's... sister?

 

LOUISE

(blushes and giggles)

I'm his mother.

 

COMBS

Wow! Okay, Louise, name a sound that would make you call the police.

 

LOUISE

A car accident!

 

COMBS

That sure sounds like a good time to call the police! Show me... car accident!

 

_CAR CRASH - 6 appears in slot 4. The audience cheers; the Pendletons congratulate Louise._

 

COMBS

Well done, Louise! Now, Barbara.

 

BARBARA

(jumping up and down in excitement)

Hi Ray!

 

COMBS

Still excited, I see.

 

BARBARA

Yes!

 

COMBS

That's great. Name a sound that would make you call the police.

 

BARBARA

Loud music!

 

COMBS

Loud music! Okay! Show me loud music!

 

_A buzzer sounds and two large red X's appear on the screen. Barbara looks crestfallen._

 

COMBS

Oh, too bad! Loud music wasn't on the board. So we're going back to Gary. Gary, name a sound that would make you call the police. And remember, if your answer isn't on the board, the Holmeses will have a chance to steal the question from you.

 

GARY

A car alarm?

 

COMBS

A car alarm! Okay, let's see if the Pendletons will retain control of the board. Show me... car alarm!

 

_A buzzer sounds and three large red X's appear on the screen. The audience "awwww"s._

 

COMBS

I'm sorry, Gary, that's your third wrong answer, so the Holmeses have a chance to steal your 75 points.

(walks over to the Holmes side)

Okay, Holmeses. If you can come up with an answer that's on the board, you'll take this round away from the Pendletons! So, name a sound that would make you call the police.

 

MRS. HUDSON

Shouting!

 

MYCROFT

Speaking in the Diogenes Club.

 

GREG

(rolling his eyes)

Thunder. Unfortunately.

 

JOHN

Someone shouting 'fire'?

 

COMBS

Well, Sherlock, what will your team's answer be?

 

SHERLOCK

(scowling)

I still think this is a stupid question.

 

JOHN

Sherlock. Just answer it.

 

SHERLOCK

(sighs)

Fine, I guess John's answer was the least asinine.

 

COMBS

Okay. Going with John's answer. If it's up there, you've stolen the points! Show me... shouting fire!

 

_A buzzer sounds and a large red X appears on the screen. The Holmes team looks confused._

 

COMBS

Oh, too bad! It's not on the board! So the Pendletons get the 75 points.

(turns to board)

Let's see what the other answers are!

 

_SCREAM - 19 appears in slot 3. The audience says "scream!" in poorly-coordinated unison._

_EXPLOSION - 3 appears in slot 5. The audience says "explosion!"_

 

COMBS

Well, that's the end of round 1. The Pendletons are currently in the lead with 75 points, but the Holmeses will have plenty of chances to catch up... when we come back to the Family Feud!

 

_[CUT TO COMMERCIALS]_


	3. Round Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Name a reason a man might bring home a bottle of champagne.

COMBS

Welcome back to the Feud! Today's returning champions, the Pendletons, are currently in the lead with 75 points, but that could easily change! It's time for round two; John, Linda, get up here!

 

_John and Linda jog up to the central podium from their respective sides. Linda sticks her hand out to shake, but John instead lifts it to his mouth and kisses it._

_Linda giggles and blushes. Gary looks annoyed. Sherlock also looks annoyed._

 

COMBS

Well. I see we've got a charmer here!

(to John)

I know the show is called Family Feud, but stealing the other team captain's wife might be going a bit far!

 

_John and the audience laugh. Gary still looks annoyed. Sherlock still looks annoyed._

 

COMBS

Anyway, if you're done flirting, John, we can get round two started.

(pauses)

Four answers up on the board. We surveyed a hundred people and asked them to... name a reason a man might bring home a bottle of champagne!

 

_John and Linda both go for the buzzer, but John is quicker._

 

COMBS

John?

 

JOHN

An anniversary!

 

COMBS

An anniversary. Good answer. Show me... anniversary!

 

_A bell rings and ANNIVERSARY - 60 turns over in slot one._

 

COMBS

Wow, anniversary is the top answer! Sorry, Linda, the question goes to the Holmeses!

 

_The audience cheers. Mrs. Hudson and Greg cheer._

_Combs and John return to the Holmeses._

 

COMBS

Okay, Mycroft. That's an interesting name, too. I guess you had creative parents!

 

MYCROFT

(sniffs)

It would be more accurate to say that they lacked foresight.

 

COMBS

...Okay. My card here says you occupy a minor position in the British government.

 

MYCROFT

That is correct.

 

SHERLOCK

More like he is the British government.

 

MYCROFT

(rolls his eyes)

Don't exaggerate, Sherlock.

 

SHERLOCK

(offended)

I am not exaggerating! I never exaggerate!

 

JOHN

(to Mycroft)

I actually have to side with Sherlock on this one.

 

SHERLOCK

(looks pleased)

Thank you, John.

 

JOHN

(still to Mycroft)

Not about the exaggeration; he's a total drama queen.

(ignoring Sherlock's offended gasp)

But I'm pretty sure he's right about your job.

 

MYCROFT

Let's move on, shall we?

 

COMBS

(takes a moment to realize that he has control of the interaction again)

Oh! Right. Mycroft. Name a reason a man might bring home a bottle of champagne.

 

MYCROFT

He was gifted it by the French ambassador.

 

COMBS

...Is that something that happens a lot?

 

MYCROFT

(shrugs)

You know how the French are.

 

COMBS

...Sure.

(turns to board)

Uh, show me, gift from the French ambassador?

 

_A buzzer sounds and a large red X appears on the screen. A few people in the audience "awww" but most make a sort of "well, duh" sound._

 

COMBS

Oh, too bad, it's not on the board!

(moves on to Mrs. Hudson before Mycroft can say anything)

Mrs. Hudson! Do you have a first name, Mrs. Hudson?

 

MRS. HUDSON

(pleasantly)

Oh, Mrs. Hudson is fine.

 

COMBS

Okay then. Name a reason a man might bring home a bottle of champagne.

 

MRS. HUDSON

His spouse's request for a stay of execution was rejected by a judge!

 

COMBS

His— I don't even—

 

MRS. HUDSON

I drank plenty of champagne when my husband finally got the chair, believe me.

 

COMBS

That's— You—

(sighs)

Fine. Show me... stay of execution overturned.

 

_A buzzer sounds and two large red Xs appear on the screen. Mrs. Hudson looks surprised and disappointed._

 

COMBS

So, that wasn't on the board. Can't say I'm surprised.

(moves on to Greg)

Okay. Greg. You seem like a normal guy.

 

_Mycroft looks offended._

 

GREG

(chuckles)

Well, as normal as someone who's married to Mycroft could be.

 

_Mycroft looks appeased._

 

COMBS

So, Greg. Name a reason a man might bring home a bottle of champagne.

 

GREG

He got a raise!

 

COMBS

(sighs in relief)

Oh, thank god, a normal answer. Show me... he got a raise!

 

_A bell rings and RAISE - 11 appears on the board in slot three. The audience cheers. Greg kisses Mrs. Hudson on the cheek in celebration._

 

COMBS

Well done, Greg! Raise is the third most popular answer. You're still in the game! Which means we go back to–

(collapses slightly with realization)

Sherlock.

(trudges over to Sherlock)

Okay, Sherlock. Name a reason a man might bring home a bottle of champagne. 

 

SHERLOCK

He's cheating on his wife and he feels guilty about it.

 

COMBS

That's— actually, that's a pretty logical answer.

 

SHERLOCK

Of course it is. I came up with it.

 

COMBS

Of course. I mean, I doubt it'll be on the board.

(pats Sherlock on the shoulder when he frowns)

But what the hey, let's give it a shot. Show me... guilty over having an affair!

 

_A buzzer sounds and three large red Xs appear on the screen. Sherlock throws his hands up in disbelief. John consoles him by whispering something in his ear._

 

COMBS

Ohh, sorry, Holmeses! You got your third strike, so the Pendletons have a chance to steal the question, and the 71 points, from you.

(walks over to the Pendletons)

Well, Pendletons? What'll it be? Name a reason a man might bring home a bottle of champagne.

 

LINDA

New baby!

 

LOUISE

Birthday!

 

BARBARA

Birthday!

 

PAUL

Retirement!

 

COMBS

Okay, Gary, what's it going to be?

 

GARY

I'm going to go with birthday, Ray.

 

COMBS

Birthday, okay. If birthday is on the board, you guys will get the 71 points, but if not, the points will go to the Holmeses.

(turns to board)

Show me... birthday!

 

_A bell rings and BIRTHDAY - 3 turns up on the board in slot four. The audience and the Pendletons cheer. The Holmeses look disgruntled._

 

COMBS

Well done, Pendletons! You take the second round and strengthen your lead! Let's see what the last answer on the board is.

 

_PROMOTION - 20 turns over in slot two. The audience yells "Promotion!" in poorly-synchronized unison._

 

SHERLOCK

(indignant)

That's the same thing as a raise!

 

COMBS

Well, our survey respondents listed them as separate things.

 

SHERLOCK

Your survey respondents are idiots.

 

_Sherlock crosses his arms and scowls like a toddler. John pats him on the back comfortingly._

 

COMBS

Our survey respondents are lovely people.

 

SHERLOCK

Plenty of 'lovely people' are idiots.

 

COMBS

(looks uncomfortable)

Let's move on. At the end of round two, the Pendletons have the lead with 146 points!

 

_The Pendletons cheer._

 

COMBS

The Holmeses have yet to score a single point.

 

_Sherlock's scowl deepens._

 

COMBS

But I guess it's possible that they could make a comeback... when we come back for round three of the Feud!

 

_[CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK]_

 


	4. Round Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Name the first thing you gobble down the moment you go off your diet.

COMBS

Welcome back! We're here with the Pendletons and the Holmes family. After two rounds, the Pendletons are in the lead with 146 points to the Holmeses' zero.

 

_The Pendletons cheer; the Holmes team scowls._

 

COMBS

But now it's time for round three! Mycroft, Paul, come on up here!

 

_Mycroft and Paul walk to the center podium. Mycroft looks as though he has smelled something particularly rancid. They shake hands, Mycroft clearly reluctantly._

 

COMBS

Mycroft. Paul. The older brothers. The big bros.

 

_Mycroft's sneer somehow gets even more sneery._

 

COMBS

Six answers on the board. We surveyed 100 people and asked them to... name the first thing you gobble down the moment you go off your diet.

 

_Mycroft's hand shoots toward the buzzer._

 

MYCROFT

Cake!

(looks shocked and appalled at himself)

Ahem. Cake.

 

COMBS

Okay. Cake. You seemed very excited about cake.

 

MYCROFT

I merely wanted to end this inane game as quickly as possible.

 

COMBS

Right. Well. Show me... cake!

 

_A bell rings and CAKE - 16 turns over on the board in slot three._

 

COMBS

Well done, Mycroft! Cake was the third most popular answer. Paul, if you can guess the first or second most popular answer, the question will go to the Pendletons, but if not, it will go to the Holmes family. So, name the first thing you gobble down the moment you go off your diet.

 

PAUL

Pizza?

 

COMBS

Pizza. Okay! Everyone loves pizza, right? Show me... pizza!

 

_A bell rings and PIZZA - 8 turns over on the board in slot four._

 

COMBS

Ohhh, too bad Paul, it's up on the board but it wasn't as popular as Mycroft's answer. So the question goes to the Holmeses!

 

_Combs and Mycroft return to the rest of the Holmeses. John pats Mycroft on the back; Sherlock nods at him grudgingly. Greg leans behind Mrs. Hudson to give him a quick peck. Mycroft reddens while the audience goes "Woooo!"_

 

COMBS

Mrs. Hudson.

 

MRS. HUDSON

Hello, Ray!

 

COMBS

Have you ever been on a diet, Mrs. Hudson?

 

MRS. HUDSON

(clicks her tongue and swats at Combs's shoulder)

Well that's a very rude question, Ray!

 

COMBS

(holding his hands up in apology)

I'm sorry, Mrs. Hudson. Well, either way, name the first thing you gobble down the moment you go off your diet?

 

MRS. HUDSON

Oh, definitely chocolate.

 

COMBS

Chocolate. A good choice. Nobody doesn't like chocolate, right?

 

MRS. HUDSON

Oh, yes. In the evenings I like to take my herbal soother and then sit down with a nice cup of hot cocoa.

 

COMBS

What is that, some kind of tea?

 

MRS. HUDSON

Hot cocoa? Do you not have that here?

 

COMBS

No, we have hot cocoa, it was the other— you know, never mind. Show me... chocolate!

 

_A bell rings and CANDY - 36 turns over on the board in slot one._

 

COMBS

Well done, Mrs. Hudson, candy was the most popular answer on our survey!

 

SHERLOCK

She said chocolate, not candy.

 

COMBS

Chocolate is a kind of candy.

 

SHERLOCK

Chocolate is chocolate!

 

JOHN

Sherlock, are you really arguing against your own team?

 

SHERLOCK

I'm arguing for precision in terminology!

 

COMBS

I don't know what to tell you. This is how the game works.

 

SHERLOCK

(sighs)

So you keep saying.

 

COMBS

So... let's move on to Greg. Greg!

 

GREG

Hi, Ray.

 

COMBS

So Mycroft likes cake, huh?

 

GREG

(laughs)

He's got a bit of a sweet tooth.

(winks at Mycroft)

It's why he likes me so much.

 

_Sherlock makes a gagging noise._

 

COMBS

Well, Greg. Name the first thing you gobble down the moment you go off your diet.

 

GREG

Chinese takeaway.

 

COMBS

Chinese food, okay! Definitely something you wouldn't eat on a diet. Show me... Chinese food!

 

_A buzzer sounds, and a red X appears on the screen. The audience "awww"s._

 

COMBS

Sorry, Greg. Chinese food wasn't one of our top six answers.

 

_Greg shrugs. Mrs. Hudson gives him a maternal pat on the back._

 

COMBS

So we come back to Sherlock. Well, Sherlock, you may not call the police, but you eat!

 

SHERLOCK

(sniffs)

I try to avoid it whenever possible.

 

COMBS

...Okay. Well, just name the first thing—

 

SHERLOCK

I remember the question. Pudding.

 

COMBS

Pudding. Okay. That is an actual dessert. Well done.

 

SHERLOCK

Thank you.

 

COMBS

Show me... pudding!

 

_A buzzer sounds, and two red X's appear on the screen. The audience "awww"s and Sherlock scowls._

 

COMBS

Awww, too bad, pudding wasn't on the board. Okay, John, you've got a chance to keep your team in the game. Name the first—

 

SHERLOCK

John remembers the question too.

 

COMBS

(sighs)

John?

 

JOHN

Biscuits.

 

COMBS

Biscuits?

 

JOHN

Yeah. Who doesn't love biscuits? Especially the ones Mrs. Hudson bakes.

 

COMBS

Oh. All right. Well, if 'biscuits' is up on the board, your team retains the question, but if not, the Pendletons will have a chance to steal the 52 points in play! Show me... biscuits!

 

_A buzzer sounds, and three red X's appear on the screen. The audience "awww"s and the Holmes team looks disgruntled._

 

COMBS

Ohhh, Sorry, John! Biscuits weren't on the board. 

 

JOHN

Ah well.

 

COMBS

So the Pendletons have a chance to steal!

(walks over to the Pendletons)

So, Pendletons, what are you thinking? Name the first thing you gobble down the moment you go off your diet.

 

BARBARA

Corn chips!

 

LOUISE

Brownies!

 

PAUL

Beer!

 

LINDA

Cookies!

 

COMBS

Gary?

 

GARY

I'm gonna have to go with cookies, Ray.

 

COMBS

Okay. Cookies. If cookies are up on the board, you get the 52 points, but if not, the points go to the Holmes team. So show me... cookies!

 

_A bell dings and COOKIES - 5 turns over on the board in slot five. The Pendletons jump up and down and the audience cheers._

 

SHERLOCK

This is ridiculous! John said that!

 

COMBS

Sorry?

 

SHERLOCK

John said cookies! We should have gotten those points!

 

COMBS

(confused)

John said biscuits.

 

SHERLOCK

Biscuits are cookies!

 

COMBS

Biscuits and cookies are not the same thing.

 

SHERLOCK

Biscuits are the proper name for cookies! Tell him, John!

 

JOHN

(shrugs)

I guess if I were speaking American English I would've said cookies.

 

COMBS

Well, I'm afraid we have to go with what you did say. 

 

SHERLOCK

(throws his hands up in disbelief)

This is the most asinine thing I've ever been forced to participate in. And I've been to rehab.

 

COMBS

...On that note, let's see what other answers are up on the board!

 

_ICE CREAM - 25 appears on the board. The audience shouts "Ice cream!"_

_POTATO CHIPS - 4 appears on the board. The audience shouts "Potato chips!"_

 

COMBS

Ahh, of course, ice cream. Well, let's take a look at the scores! The Pendletons are currently in the lead with 198 points!

 

_The Pendletons cheer._

 

COMBS

The Holmes family still has no points. Zero points.

 

_Sherlock grumbles something that sounds like it includes the words "farce" and "incompetent."_

 

COMBS

But, uh, they'll have another chance to try to score some points when we return for round four! Stay tuned for more... Family Feud!

 

_[CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK]_


	5. Round Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Name something that inconsiderate neighbors do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave the wrong summary in the week's TV guide, because I'd screwed up in my plotting. Whoops!
> 
> Also, I think I can definitively say that this is canon-compliant through season two, then deviates. (Like many of you, I like to pretend season three didn't happen.)

COMBS

Welcome back to the Family Feud! As a reminder, the Pendletons, our returning champions, are currently beating the Holmes family 198 to zero. But anything could happen in the remaining round — including the Holmes family actually scoring some points!

(winks at the audience)

It's time for round four, which means it's time for Mrs. Hudson andLouise to come up!

 

_Mrs. Hudson and Louise approach the center podium while the audience applauds. They smile graciously at one another as they shake hands._

 

COMBS

Okay. Mrs. Hudson. Louise. Five answers up on the board. We surveyed a hundred people and asked them to... name something that inconsiderate neighbors do.

 

_Mrs. Hudson hits the buzzer before Louise can reach out her hand._

 

COMBS

Mrs. Hudson?

 

MRS. HUDSON

Shoot holes in my walls!

 

COMBS

...I'm sorry, what was that?

 

MRS. HUDSON

Shoot holes in my walls. Except, oh, do upstairs tenants count as neighbors?

 

COMBS

You know, I don't think that's the part of your answer that's the problem.

 

MRS. HUDSON

Well, it's very inconsiderate.

(turns back to the Holmes side)

And don't think the cost of repairs isn't coming out of your security deposit, Sherlock!

 

_Sherlock waves his hand dismissively._

 

COMBS

Sherlock shoots holes in the walls? Like with a BB gun?

 

MRS. HUDSON

Oh, no. Of course not. He uses a handgun.

 

_Combs looks to Sherlock in disbelief._

 

SHERLOCK

(shrugs)

I get bored. And John doesn't let me smoke anymore.

 

JOHN

It's not like I encourage reckless firearm use as a substitute!

 

SHERLOCK

Well it's your gun!

 

JOHN

That's right, it's my gun.

 

SHERLOCK

If you don't want me using it, you should lock it up.

 

JOHN

If I locked it up, you'd just break into the safe.

 

SHERLOCK

If you don't want me to break into your safe, you shouldn't use my birthdate as your combination.

 

_John splutters. Combs clears his throat loudly._

 

COMBS

Maybe we should get back to the game.

 

SHERLOCK AND JOHN

(simultaneously)

Fine.

 

COMBS

So, um, Mrs. Hudson, you said that something inconsiderate neighbors do is "shoot holes in your walls." Survey says...?

 

_A buzzer sounds and a red X appears on the screen. Mrs. Hudson looks disappointed._

 

COMBS

Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Louise? Name something that inconsiderate neighbors do.

 

LOUISE

Throw loud parties!

 

COMBS

Throw loud parties. That sounds inconsiderate. Show me throw loud parties!

 

_A bell rings and MAKE NOISE/PARTY - 51 appears on the board in slot one._

 

COMBS

Well done, Louise, you got the most popular answer! So the question goes to the Pendletons!

 

_Combs and Louise return to the Pendletons' side. Combs approaches Barbara._

 

COMBS

Okay, Barbara. Do you like your neighbors?

 

BARBARA

I love my neighbors!

 

COMBS

So they never do anything inconsiderate?

 

BARBARA

Of course not. 

 

COMBS

That's too bad, because it might have helped you here!

(chuckles)

Well, Barbara, name something that inconsiderate neighbors do.

 

BARBARA

Park in front of your house?

 

COMBS

Okay, park in front of your house. Survey says...?

 

_A buzzer sounds and a red X appears on the screen. Barbara looks devastated._

 

COMBS

Aww, too bad, Barbara. That's not on the board.

(walks over to Gary)

Okay, Gary, you're up. Name something that inconsiderate neighbors do.

 

GARY

Steal your newspaper.

 

COMBS

Those jerks! Show me... steal your newspaper!

 

_A buzzer sounds and two red X's appear on the screen. Gary hangs his head in shame._

 

COMBS

Oh man, that's not on the board either! Linda, it's your turn, and if you can't name something on the board, the Holmeses will have a chance to steal. You ready?

 

LINDA

I'm ready!

 

COMBS

Linda, name something that inconsiderate neighbors do.

 

LINDA

Let their lawn go!

 

COMBS

Let their lawn go. Lowers the property values? All right, we'll see if it's on the board. Show me... not mowing their lawn!

 

_A buzzer sounds and three red X's appear on the screen. Linda looks appalled._

 

COMBS

Oh dear, it looks like the Holmeses are going to have a chance to steal!

(walks over to the Holmes side)

Okay, Holmeses, if you can come up with an answer on the board, you'll steal the 51 points from the Pendletons and finally get some points on your side! So, what'll it be?

 

LESTRADE

Smoking outside your window!

 

MRS. HUDSON

Throwing garbage in your bins!

 

MYCROFT

Attempting to assassinate you.

 

JOHN

Loud sex!

 

COMBS

Okay, Sherlock, what will your team's answer be?

 

SHERLOCK

(after a pause)

Closing their curtains.

 

_Everyone else on the Holmes team rolls their eyes in annoyance._

 

COMBS

What?

 

SHERLOCK

Closing their curtains.

 

COMBS

You mean not closing their curtains?

 

SHERLOCK

(impatiently)

No! Why would I want them to close their curtains? Then I couldn't see what they were up to!

 

COMBS

(baffled)

So it's inconsiderate... when your neighbors close their curtains for privacy.

 

SHERLOCK

(with a "finally, you get it" expression)

Yes!

 

COMBS

Do you actually want me to see if that's on the board?

 

SHERLOCK

(sniffs)

Of course.

 

COMBS

Uh. Okay. 

(unenthusiastically)

Show me... what he said.

 

_A buzzer sounds and a red X appears on the screen. Sherlock looks shocked; the rest of the team looks resigned. The Pendletons cheer._

 

COMBS

Well. Surprising absolutely no one, "closing their curtains" was not one of the answers our survey respondents gave when asked to name something that inconsiderate neighbors do. Let's see what answers Sherlock could have given that would have been on the board!

 

_DOGS LOOSE/BARK - 16 turns over in slot two. Half of the audience yells "Dogs loose bark!" and the other half yells "Dogs loose slash bark!" so what comes out is just a muddle of noise._

_ALWAYS BORROWING - 11 turns over in slot three. The audience rallies to chant it together._

_SNOOP/PRY - 9 turns over in slot four. The audience returns to sonic chaos._

_TRASH YOUR YARD - 4 turns over in slot five. The audience chants it in unison._

 

COMBS

Lots of interesting answers! But Sherlock didn't give any of them. That means the Pendletons keep the 51 points, bringing their total score to 249. Remember, once they reach 300 points, they'll play the lightning round and have a chance to win ten thousand dollars!

 

SHERLOCK

If.

 

COMBS

What?

 

SHERLOCK

If they make it to 300 points. We could get there first.

 

COMBS

(laughs)

Right.

 

_Sherlock scowls._

 

COMBS

Well, you'll be able to take a crack at that when we come back for round five!

 

_CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK_


	6. Round Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Name something that could happen that could make your party a disaster.

COMBS

Welcome back to the Feud! Today's matchup between the Pendletons and the Holmeses has been a bit of a shutout so far; the Pendletons have 249 points, within spitting distance of the 300 points they need to make it to the Fast Money round and have a chance to win ten thousand dollars! But let's not give up hope yet for the Holmes family... who has no points.

(raises an eyebrow at the audience)

It's time for round five. Greg, Barbara, get up here!

 

_Greg and Barbara jog up to the center podium. Greg offers his hand to shake, but Barbara kisses it instead._

_Greg laughs. Mycroft scowls._

 

COMBS

Well! What's good for the goose is good for the gander, I guess.

(pause)

Okay. Greg. Barbara. We've got four answers up on the board. We surveyed one hundred people and asked them to... name something that could happen that could make your party a disaster.

 

_Greg and Barbara both go for the buzzer, but Barbara is faster._

 

COMBS

All right, Barbara! 

 

BARBARA

Someone drinks too much!

 

COMBS

Someone always drinks too much. Good answer. Survey says?

 

_A bell rings and "DRUNK GUESTS - 17" turns over in slot three. Barbara jumps up and down and screams._

 

COMBS

Well done, Barbara! Third most popular answer. Greg, if you can give the first or second most popular answer, the question will go to the Holmeses! So, name something that could happen that could make your party a disaster.

 

GREG

Finding out your wife is cheating on you again!

 

COMBS

Uh...

(looks at Mycroft)

Your wife...?

 

GREG

(defensively)

What, you've never heard of bisexuality?

 

COMBS

I can't say it's ever come up on this show before.

 

_Greg shrugs as if to say "Not my problem, mate."_

 

COMBS

(clears throat)

Anyway. I guess let's see if "finding out your wife is cheating on you" is—

 

SHERLOCK

(interrupting)

Again.

 

COMBS

Huh?

 

SHERLOCK

Cheating on you again.

 

COMBS

...Right. Let's see if "finding out your wife is cheating on you again" is on the board.

 

_A buzzer sounds and a large red X appears on the screen._

 

COMBS

Gosh, what a surprise. Looks like this one is going to the Pendletons!

 

_Combs walks with Barbara back to the Pendletons' side while Greg trudges back to the Holmeses._

 

COMBS

Okay, Gary, Barbara brought home the bacon, and now it's time for you to fry it up! Name something that could happen that could make your party a disaster.

 

GARY

Nobody shows up!

 

COMBS

Nobody shows up. That might be a bad party. Survey says...?

 

_A bell dings and "NO ONE SHOWS UP - 22" turns over in slot one._

 

COMBS

The most popular answer on our survey! Well done, Gary. Now, Linda. I'm sure you're a lovely hostess.

 

LINDA

I try!

 

COMBS

I'm sure a party you threw could never be a disaster. But name something that could happen that could make your party a disaster.

 

LINDA

Nobody likes the food!

 

COMBS

Okay! Show me... nobody likes the food!

 

_A buzzer sounds and a large red X appears on the screen._

 

COMBS

Ohhh, too bad, Linda! It's not on the board. Paul, it's your turn to give an answer. Something that could happen that could make your party a disaster.

 

PAUL

Running out of food!

 

COMBS

Ah! Kind of the opposite of what Linda said. Survey says...?

 

_A bell rings and "NOT ENOUGH FOOD - 11" turns over in slot four._

 

COMBS

Excellent! Only two more answers up on the board; can you get it, Louise?

 

LOUISE

People show up who weren't invited!

 

COMBS

And that's kind of the opposite of Gary's answer, isn't it. Okay, show me: uninvited guests!

 

_A buzzer sounds and two large red X's appear on the screen._

 

COMBS

Ohhh, too bad, Louise! That wasn't one of the most popular answers. Barbara, it's your turn, and remember: if your answer isn't up on the board, the Holmeses will have a chance to steal.

(glances back at the Holmeses)

Although I wouldn't be too worried about that.

 

JOHN

Oi!

 

COMBS

(to John)

Just kidding, John!

(mouths "I'm not kidding" at the audience)

Anyway. Barbara. Name something that could happen that could make your party a disaster.

 

BARBARA

Someone throws up!

 

COMBS

(laughing)

I guess that would be unpleasant! Okay. Survey says...?

 

_A buzzer sounds and three large red X's appear on the screen. The Pendletons look disappointed._

 

COMBS

Okay, looks like the Holmeses are going to have a chance to steal the 49 points up on the board! Which would bring their total score to a whopping... 49.

(walks over to the Holmeses)

Okay, guys. You have a chance to get some points if you can guess the last answer up on the board. What are you all thinking? Something that could happen that could make your party a disaster? Greg?

 

GREG

The host's attractive older brother doesn't come!

 

COMBS

Mrs. Hudson?

 

MRS. HUDSON

The host refuses to wear his antlers!

 

COMBS

That's oddly specific. Mycroft?

 

MYCROFT

Accidentally starting a war in the Balkans.

 

COMBS

...I'm not even going to ask. John?

 

JOHN

Your girlfriend breaking up with you.

 

COMBS

You sound like you know this from experience.

 

_John rolls his eyes and nods._

 

COMBS

All right, Sherlock, you've heard your team's suggestions. What's your guess going to be? Name something that could happen that could make your party a disaster.

 

SHERLOCK

(after a dramatic pause)

Finding out that the dominatrix who's been flirting with you has been murdered.

 

JOHN

Oh, for [BLEEP]'s sake, Sherlock!

 

_Several seconds of silence. A member of the audience laughs uncomfortably._

 

COMBS

That... uh... what?

 

SHERLOCK

I mean, she wasn't actually murdered. But I thought she was at the time. Put a bit of a damper on the party when I had to go identify the body.

 

COMBS

Are you sure you want that to be your answer?

 

SHERLOCK

Yes.

 

COMBS

...Okay.

(unenthusiastically)

Let's see... "murdered dominatrix"?

 

_A buzzer sounds and a large red X appears on the screen._

 

COMBS

Um. So that wasn't on the board. Which means the 49 points go to the Pendletons!

 

_The Pendletons cheer._

 

COMBS

Let's see what the one remaining answer was.

 

_FIGHT - 19 turns over in slot two. The audience yells "fight!" in unison. It sounds like a challenge._

 

COMBS

So let's take a look at the current scores. The Pendletons are in the lead with 298 points. Just two more measly points and they'll move on to the Fast Money round! And if the Holmeses get only 300 more points, they'll go on to the Fast Money round. It's a nailbiter, so stick around until we come back for round six!

 

_CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK_

 


	7. Round Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Name a service someone performs on you while you're sitting down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I feel the need to reiterate that these are in fact actual questions that were featured on Family Feud.)

COMBS

We're back, and we appear to have a coup d'etat on our hands!

 

_The camera cuts to the Holmes family, where John is now standing at the head of the group and Sherlock is beside him sulking._

 

COMBS

John, you seem to have taken over Sherlock's role as the head of the Holmes family team.

 

JOHN

That's right. We're the Watsons from here on out.

 

SHERLOCK

(outraged)

But we've got two Holmeses and only one Watson!

 

JOHN

(to Combs, conversationally)

Do you know, I think that might be the first time Sherlock has ever admitted he's related to Mycroft.

 

COMBS

Well, now that the, um, Watson-Holmeses have had this reorganization—

 

SHERLOCK

(interrupting)

I prefer Holmes-Watsons.

 

JOHN

Of course you do, since that way you're first.

 

SHERLOCK

It just makes more sense that way! 

 

JOHN

(rolls his eyes)

Oh, of course, "more sense."

 

SHERLOCK

(ticking off on his fingers)

Firstly, that way you don't have to deal with the clumsy pluralization of "Holmes." Secondly, then your initials would be JHHW, which is much more aesthetically pleasing than JHWH.

 

JOHN

You realize we're not actually changing our names.

 

SHERLOCK

(indignant)

It's the principle of the thing, John.

 

COMBS

(loudly)

As I was saying. Now that the Watson-Holmeses, or Holmes-Watsons, have reorganized, that means that it's John versus Gary in round six. Come on up, fellas!

 

_John and Gary walk to the central podium and shake hands forcefully._

 

COMBS

Okay. Now, this is a double round, which means that each answer is worth double the points! Ready?

 

_John and Gary nod._

 

COMBS

Okay. Five answers up on the board. We surveyed a hundred people and asked them to... name a service someone performs on you while you're sitting down.

 

_John's hand shoots toward the buzzer._

 

COMBS

John?

 

JOHN

(excitedly)

Blow job!

(immediately looks mortified)

 

COMBS

(laughing uncomfortably)

Um. Wow.

(looks offstage)

Can we even say that on this program?

 

JOHN

(voice muffled by his hands, which are covering his face)

I'm so sorry.

 

_A producer walks onto the stage and confers with Combs. There is quiet muttering and gesturing. After a little while the producer leaves._

 

COMBS

Okay, so, we're gonna edit that out, which means you can give us another answer, John. Preferably something suitable for daytime television. Remember, there are elderly people watching.

 

MRS. HUDSON

What's that supposed to mean? You think elderly people don't know about blow jobs? Let me tell you—

 

COMBS

(chastened but alarmed)

Sorry, Mrs. Hudson. Anyway, John, let's pretend that never happened.

 

JOHN

Fine by me.

 

COMBS

So, uh, John, name a service someone performs on you while you're sitting down.

 

JOHN

A haircut?

 

COMBS

Okay. Yes. A haircut. Survey says?

 

_A bell rings and HAIRCUT/STYLING - 49 turns over in slot one._

 

COMBS

Wow, the number one answer! Well done, John. That means the question goes to the Holmes-Watsons.

 

_Combs and John walk back to the Holmes-Watson side. John returns to his spot and Sherlock gives him a condescending look._

 

COMBS

Okay. Sherlock. Name a service—

 

SHERLOCK

Cordwaining.

 

COMBS

...Cordwhatting?

 

SHERLOCK

Cordwaining. You know, measuring you for a shoe, that sort of thing. 

 

COMBS

Oh, of course, cordwaining. I thought you said something else.

(turns to board)

Okay, show me... cordwaining?

 

_A bell rings and SHOE FITTING - 4 turns over in slot four._

 

COMBS

Wow, that was actually kind of on the board! Now, Mycroft. You look like the sort of man who has services performed on him while he's sitting down.

 

_Mycroft raises an eyebrow at him and Greg laughs._

 

COMBS

Not like that! Oh my goodness, what has happened to this show.

(shakes head)

Anyway, Mycroft, just give me an answer.

 

MYCROFT

Dental work.

 

COMBS

Dental work! Okay, show me... dental work!

 

_A bell rings and DENTAL WORK - 35 turns over in slot two._

 

COMBS

Nicely done, Mycroft! The second most popular answer! The Holmeses are on a roll! Let's see if you can continue it, Mrs. Hudson. Name a service someone performs on you while you're sitting down.

 

MRS. HUDSON

A manicure!

 

COMBS

A manicure! Survey says?

 

_A bell rings and MANICURE - 4 turns over in slot three._

 

COMBS

Wow, you've already got the top four answers! The Holmes-Watsons might be making a comeback!

(sidles up to Greg)

Okay, Greg. If you can correctly guess the last answer on the board, your team will finally get some points -- at least 184 points, at that! So. Name a service someone performs on you while you're sitting down.

 

GREG

Shining your shoes!

 

COMBS

Okay. Shining your shoes. Sounds like a good answer to me; let's see if it's up on the board.

(turns to board)

Show me... shining your shoes!

 

_A bell rings and SHOE SHINE - 4 turns over in slot five. The audience bursts into applause. The Holmes-Watsons look astonished. Greg and Mrs. Hudson hug; John cheers. Sherlock and Mycroft look vaguely smug._

 

COMBS

Wow, so the Holmes-Watsons have finally scored some points, and have they ever! The Holmes-Watsons now have 192 points.

 

_The audience applauds some more._

 

COMBS

Now, the Pendletons have 298 points, which means they're only two points away from the Fast Money round. But it looks like the Holmes-Watsons won't go down without a fight! Stay tuned; when we come back from the break, it's time for round seven!

 

_CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course the Holmes team would rock this question.


	8. Round Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Name something that a woman might hide in her bra.

 

COMBS

Welcome back to a very exciting game of Family Feud! Up until last round the Pendleton family was practically a shoo-in for the Fast Money round, but the Holmes-Watsons have staged an impressive comeback, scoring nearly 200 points in the last round!

 

_The audience applauds. The Pendletons applaud politely as well._

 

COMBS

I don't think any of us saw that one coming, frankly. And now it's time for round 7; Sherlock and Linda, come on up!

 

_Sherlock and Linda approach the center podium. Sherlock does not kiss Linda's hand._

 

COMBS

Four answers up on the board. Now, this is another double round, so the points are doubled. Either team could get to the Fast Money round using those points! Ready, Linda, Sherlock?

 

_Linda and Sherlock nod, Sherlock a bit more impatiently._

 

COMBS

We surveyed one hundred people and asked them to... name something that a woman might hide in her bra.

 

_Linda and Sherlock both go for the buzzer, but Linda is faster._

 

COMBS

Linda?

 

LINDA

Money!

 

COMBS

Money. Good answer. Okay, let's see if it's on the board. Show me... money!

 

_A bell rings and MONEY - 45 turns over in slot one._

 

COMBS

Wow, well done, Linda! That was the top answer! That means the question goes to the Pendletons.

 

_Sherlock scowls and returns to his team; Combs walks with Linda back to the Pendletons._

 

COMBS

Paul. This might not be your area of expertise.

 

PAUL

You'd be surprised, Ray!

 

COMBS

(chuckles)

All right, well, name something that a woman might hide in her bra.

 

PAUL

A key!

 

COMBS

A key. Interesting thought. Show me... key!

 

_A bell rings and KEY - 4 turns over in slot three._

 

COMBS

Key was the third most popular answer! Okay, Louise. Name something that a woman might hide in her bra.

 

LOUISE

A credit card?

 

COMBS

A credit card! Survey says?

 

_A buzzer sounds and a large red X appears on the screen._

 

COMBS

Awww, too bad, Louise. "Credit card" wasn't one of the top four answers. Barbara?

 

BARBARA

Hi Ray!

 

COMBS

Still as enthusiastic as ever, I see.

 

BARBARA

Yes!

 

COMBS

Okay, Barbara. Name something that a woman might hide in her bra.

 

BARBARA

Kleenex!

 

COMBS

Kleenex. Okay. Let's see if it's on the board. Show me... Kleenex!

 

_A bell rings and TISSUE - 3 turns over in slot four._

 

COMBS

Tissues were the fourth most popular answer! One more answer left on the board!

(walks back to Gary)

Okay, Gary. There's one more answer left on the board. If you can guess it, then your team gets the points and you'll go on to the Fast Money round. So, name something that a woman might hide in her bra.

 

GARY

A... business card?

 

COMBS

A business card. So she meets someone at a networking event, they ask for a card, she says "sure" and reaches into her blouse.

 

GARY

Um.

 

COMBS

Survey says?

 

_A buzzer sounds and two large red X's appear on the screen._

 

COMBS

Aw, not on the board! That means it's all down to you, Linda. Think you can handle the pressure?

 

LINDA

I don't know!

 

COMBS

Well, if you can get the last answer on the board, your family's going on to the Fast Money round. If you can't, the Holmes-Watsons will have a chance to steal the 104 points. So. Name something that a woman might hide in her bra.

 

LINDA

Pepper spray?

 

COMBS

Pepper spray. That's a good idea, self defense. Moment of truth: show me... pepper spray!

 

_A buzzer sounds and three large red X's appear on the screen._

 

COMBS

Ohhh, I'm sorry, Linda! That wasn't on the board, so the Holmes-Watsons are going to have a chance to steal!

 

_Combs walks over to the Holmes-Watson side._

 

COMBS

Okay guys, what are you thinking a woman might hide in her bra?

 

GREG

A weapon?

 

MRS. HUDSON

Drugs!

 

MYCROFT

A memory stick containing sensitive data.

 

SHERLOCK

A mobile phone.

 

COMBS

Okay, John. You've got to make a choice. If your answer is up on the board, you'll get the 104 points, which will get you over 300 and get you into the Fast Money round, where you'll have a chance to win 10,000 dollars! But if you don't, the Pendletons will take the points and the Fast Money round. So what will it be?

 

JOHN

(looking at his teammates anxiously)

I don't know!

 

COMBS

Well, you need to make a decision.

 

JOHN

I know, I know, I just–

 

SHERLOCK

John.

 

JOHN

Yeah?

 

SHERLOCK

Mobile phone.

 

JOHN

I know, I heard you the first time, Sherlock.

 

SHERLOCK

No, John.

(turns John to face him, puts his hands on John's shoulders, and looks him directly in the eye)

The answer is mobile phone. Trust me.

 

JOHN

(stares back at Sherlock for a moment, then nods and turns to Combs)

We'll go with mobile phone.

 

COMBS

Okay. Mobile phone. Let's see who's going on to the Fast Money round. Show me: mobile phone!

 

_A bell rings and CELL PHONE - 28 turns over in slot two. The audience cheers. Greg and Mrs. Hudson hug in excitement. John looks relieved. Sherlock looks smug._

 

COMBS

Wow, I never thought it would happen, but after staging a tremendous comeback, the Watson-Holmes family is going on to the Fast Money round! Let's bid a fond farewell to the Pendleton family. They put up a valiant fight.

(waits for applause to die down)

Now, stay tuned, because when we come back, the Holmes-Watson team will have a chance to win ten thousand dollars in the Fast Money round!

 

_CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I have no idea what imaginary time period this takes place in, where Ray Combs is alive and hosting Family Feud but cell phones exist. Forgive me the anachronisms.
> 
> (Also, sorry this chapter was a bit boring -- I promise you the next (and final) one will be more than exciting enough to make up for it!)


	9. Fast Money

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Holmes-Watsons play the Fast Money round and get more than they bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (NB: I did make up a couple of the questions in this round.)

COMBS

Welcome back to the Feud! We've had a very exciting game, with the Holmes-Watson family surging ahead at the last minute to make it to the Fast Money round! So I'm gonna need two people from your team; who's it gonna be?

 

_Sherlock and John step forward._

 

SHERLOCK

John and I.

 

COMBS

That's, y'know, maybe not the pairing I would have chosen if it were my team, but what the hey. Who's going first?

 

JOHN

I am.

 

COMBS

Okay then, better head offstage now, Sherlock.

 

_Sherlock leaves the stage. John joins Combs at the center of the stage, looking tentatively confident. Or confidently tentative._

 

COMBS

Now. John. Five questions. 20 seconds on the clock. Ten thousand dollars at stake. Ready?

 

JOHN

(visibly steels himself)

Ready.

 

COMBS

Something you share with your spouse that you wouldn't share with anyone else.

 

JOHN

Middle name!

 

COMBS

An occupation whose services you need more than any other.

 

JOHN

Detective!

 

COMBS

A phrase that's emotionally difficult for people to say.

 

JOHN

"I love you"!

 

COMBS

Something you do to show someone you love them.

 

JOHN

Protect them!

 

COMBS

Something you want but don't let yourself have.

 

JOHN

Sherlock!

 

_The audience gasps and then goes pin-drop silent. John is frozen in shock, looking like he can't believe what just came out of his mouth._

_Combs also looks thrown._

_The "time's up" buzzer dings and Combs uneasily clears his throat._

 

COMBS

Uh. Well. You okay there, John?

 

_John, pallid, doesn't answer._

 

COMBS

John?

 

JOHN

(furrows his brow, then shakes his head as though to clear it)

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

 

COMBS

Okay.

(puts an arm around John's shoulder, turns them both to face the board)

Let's see how you did. I asked you to name something you would share with your spouse that you wouldn't share with anyone else. You said "middle name." Survey says... 4.

 

_The audience makes a disappointed noise._

 

COMBS

I asked for an occupation whose services you need more than any other. You said... "detective."

 

_John chuckles weakly._

 

COMBS

Survey says... zero. Unsurprisingly. I asked you for a phrase that's emotionally difficult for people to say. You said, "I love you." Survey says... 30!

 

_The audience applauds._

 

COMBS

Nicely done. Okay. I asked you to name something you do to show someone you love them. And you said "protect them." Survey says... 2.

 

_John shrugs._

 

COMBS

And finally, I asked you to name something you want but don't let yourself have...

 

_John moans and covers his face with his hands._

 

COMBS

And you said "Sherlock."

(clears throat)

I'm not even going to bother asking what the survey says; I think we both know that's a zero.

 

JOHN

Yeah.

 

COMBS

So that gives you a total of 36.

 

_Half the audience applauds; the other half makes disappointed sounds._

 

COMBS

 Which means Sherlock needs to get 164 points if you're going to win the ten thousand dollar prize. It's an uphill battle, but hey, stranger things have happened. In the past ten minutes.

 

_John nods distractedly._

 

COMBS

So, why don't you go stand over there by your team while we bring Sherlock out.

 

_John trudges over to Mycroft, Greg, and Mrs. Hudson. Mrs. Hudson wraps him up in a hug and Greg pats him on the back._

_Sherlock strides onto the stage looking confident._

 

COMBS

Welcome back, Sherlock! 

 

SHERLOCK

Enough small talk. Let's get to the questions.

 

COMBS

Now, John got 36 points, so you're going to need to get 164 points in order to win the 10,000 dollar prize.

 

SHERLOCK

Easy. Can we begin?

 

COMBS

Yeah, let's do that. 25 seconds on the clock. Ready?

 

SHERLOCK

I've already said I'm ready, twice.

 

COMBS

(plowing ahead)

Something you share with your spouse that you wouldn't share with anyone else.

 

SHERLOCK

My real first name.

 

COMBS

An occupation whose services you need more than any other.

 

SHERLOCK

Blogger.

 

COMBS

A phrase that's emotionally difficult for people to say.

 

SHERLOCK

"I'm sorry."

 

COMBS

Something you do to show someone you love them.

 

SHERLOCK

(looks momentarily bewildered)

Pass.

 

COMBS

Something you want but don't let yourself have.

 

SHERLOCK

Cocaine.

 

_A ripple of shocked laughter travels through the audience at that._

 

COMBS

Something you do to show someone you love them.

 

SHERLOCK

(after a beat)

Fake your own suicide to save his life.

 

_The "time's up" buzzer dings._

 

COMBS

Well. That was an... interesting set of answers. 

(moves to put his arm around Sherlock's shoulders)

Let's take a look at—

(glances off to the side, confused)

John?

 

_John is approaching the stage, staring at Sherlock. Sherlock looks confused._

_John stops a foot from Sherlock and stands there silently, searching his face. Sherlock furrows his brow and stares back._

_The audience is dead silent. Combs is dead silent._

_Eventually John seems to have found what he was searching for, because he nods decisively, grabs Sherlock by the collar, and drags him into a kiss._

_The audience gasps._

_Sherlock goes stiff with shock, but quickly recovers, grabbing John's head with both hands and deepening the kiss._

_The audience bursts into applause._

_Combs looks flabbergasted._

_Greg cheers and whistles._

_Mrs. Hudson wipes a tear from her eye._

_Mycroft is smiling._

 

COMBS

(clearing his throat)

Did you want to find out if— guys?

 

_John and Sherlock ignore Combs – in fact, they seem entirely oblivious to the world around them as they continue to kiss._

 

COMBS

Guys?

(rolls his eyes)

Ugh, forget it.

(tosses his cards over his shoulder)

Obviously you guys didn't win. I don't think you need me to tell you that.

 

_John and Sherlock continue to kiss. John's hand moves down to grab Sherlock's ass._

 

COMBS

(throws his hands up in the air)

Jesus Christ, there's no way this episode is even going to air. S&P's going to deposit the film directly into the incinerator.

 

_The audience is still applauding. Mrs. Hudson is full-on weeping. Mycroft and Greg have their arms around each other and are watching the display like proud parents. Proud, creepy parents._

 

COMBS

I give up. Fuck it. I'll be in my dressing room.

 

_Combs tosses his mic to the floor and strides offstage, muttering._

_The applause gradually peters out as audience members grow restless and leave._

_Mycroft, Mrs. Hudson, and Greg head backstage._

_The studio lights turn off._

_John and Sherlock are still kissing._

_[BROADCAST ENDS]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right, JOHNLOCK WAS ENDGAME. I've been sitting on that plan excitedly for ten weeks.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this incredibly cracky fic!


End file.
